Mind Flayer

Some time ago, RPGNet had a thread about some of the worst character concepts ever encountered in pen-and-paper RPGs. I have no idea if posters were making some of this stuff up, and frankly I don’t give a shit. I came across some notes I made about this and thought I’d share with the group.

• Triangular slab of magic lard
• Zombiefied weremoose with six arms and ninja training (Buffy)
• psychic fetus who controls his mother from the womb (BESM)
• Ron Jeremy as a Setite (Vampire)
• Silver Fang Garou whose only goal in life was to become the district manager for his local McDonald’s chain (Werewolf)
• “The Invincible Hammer-Wheel. He has hammers for hands and wheels for feet. Or maybe it’s the other way around. He was born that way. He was raised by farm implements. He lives in the woods.” (Supers)
• Ghost of Robot: a robot that died, but his ghost remains! Now he haunt machines and electronics, but is very frustrated because they cannot be scared. Also hates the living, but not anywhere near as much.
• A talking grizzly bear wearing a pimp suit driving a super-high-tech flying caddy convertible, bright red, and attended by a disembodied robot hand that he insisted was his Cybernetic Third Hand. His primary goals and motivations were listed as “Fuck With Shit”.
• A nine foot tall skinless demon with a huge wang. He could breathe fire, was superstrong and could summon an Elemental, of his choosing, three times a day for seven hours each. (Which is 21 hours out of the day.) His one weakness was that to maintain his powers he had to find an Asian whore, tie her up in rope, and then masturbate over her, at least twice a day. Failure to do so would leave him vulnerable. he also had an ability called Know Everything which gave him a slim chance to know anything, going by the idea that at one point he had seen all of time and creation but could now only remember parts of it. He and the talking bear were from the same campaign and would always go in to stores and restaurants and convince people that they were simply humans in elaborate and expensive costumes, not the impossible horrors they actually were.
• Poontangula: a superhero from Over the Edge he had a giant nose and eye’s like binoculars, or more like the cardboard tubes from inside rolls of paper towels, he was covered in stripes and had flaps of skin running between his arms and legs allowing him to fly. He could summon Mustard Goblins, which were like Black Puddings made out of mustard, and Animate Spam, which created Spam Elementals which were kind of like shoggoths made out of potted meat food product. He also shot laser beams from his goofy extended eyes. His sheet was amusing because all of his Traits were things like Falling Over Own Feet, and Smells Weird In A Bad Way, and then he had a list of flaws like Laser Eye Beams (Over the Edge)
• a Rancor Jedi. Because lightsabers were too small for him, he’d just hold up other jedi who held on to their lightsabers. (Star Wars)
• The Fudge-Hammer. Stretching, Density Increase & Hypnosis. All kinds of drawbacks & flaws based on his father, The Fudge-Packer. Wore an Orange and Brown Union suit, and a purple Domino Mask, with a fake mustache hanging from it. Generally sported a pair of six-shooters, which were a lot less effective than his super powers, but he liked knee-capping villains. (Supers)
• Womb Boy…he can grow things (like guns or other useful implements) in his womb. And then he has to birth them… (Supers)
• Super Newf. A Newfoundland trawler fisherman is caught in a radioactive storm caused by aliens. When he returns to shore, he’s a superhero. He wears a souwester and raingear, and he can fly. He carries a fishing net which he uses to entangle villains, then pummel them into submission with a radioactive codfish (Supers)
• Dak Bigolo, Bothan Gigolo (Star Wars)
• Gibberish McSlitherlips – The Mind Flayer Pirate. Gibberish – or Gib for short – was an Illithid pirate and slave trader. Although he could understand several languages, he was (or at least claimed to be) incapable of actually speaking any save his native tongue, which sounded like an incomprehensible string of gutteral gibberish to all non-Illithids – hence his name (his real name was supposedly impossible to pronounce without ripping out your tongue and ramming it up your nose). Rather than use his telepathic abillities to get around this handicap, Gib instead chose to communicate through his interpreter/assisstant/emergency food supply – a cowardly albino halfling named Boing, whom the Mind Flayer kept on a leash chained to his belt (or carried around in a harness strapped to his back). Boing was technically an NPC under my control, but was a coward with no combat abilities or skills, making him effectively useless for anything other than acting as his master’s translator. In combat, he would generally curl up into a quivering, whimpering ball and wait for it all to be over. He spoke with a pronounced cockney accent. Gib also had a peculiar fascination with eyebrows, and wore an oversized pair of fake ones at all times, though he steadfastly refused to acknowledge their existence, and would become annoyed whenever someone commented on them. One of his favorite methods of interrogating people was to sit across from them in an empty room and wiggle his eyebrows at them until they slowly went mad. (D&D)