One of my favorite places to go nowadays is “Query Letters I Love“, a site by an anonymous showbiz official who posts rejected query letters (i.e., film proposals) from applicants. Here’s a sample of what gets shit-canned:
“With new knowledge of legendary buried silver and gold from the Civil War, Matthew Jennings infiltrates a gay deprogramming camp located on land that once belonged to his family. While searching for the silver, Matt must contend with other students, one of whom is an undercover reporter gathering facts for a stinging expose of the wacky goings on this Southern Gothic sadistic camp.
Matt’s plan blows up in his face when the reporter is murdered and he becomes the most likely suspect. Alone and desperate, Matt must escape the fundamentalist preacher and clear his name as he attempts to located the secret treasure.”
Sold! Charlotte, get me John Demme’s people! Hold all my calls!
Oh, this one’s a treat too:
“An introverted history major at Brown University is romantically involved with another history major. His hobby is guitar. Through writing songs to her about history, he is able to express his feelings about their relationship. Once she hears his songs, she is able to respond to his feelings. Their love is resolved successfully. The songs are:
Baby we need a little common sense like Thomas Paine
Baby I need a Declaration of Independence
Baby you’re like The Founding Fathers they had slaves
Baby we’re having a Civil War
Baby this is Guadacanal
Baby this is DDAY
Baby this is Viet Nam
Baby this is Iraq
Baby we need a Bill of Rights”
Baby, this one practically screams Adam Sandler!
[via Making Light]
“Baby baby baby baby oh baby …
We got a Teapot Dome …”
Pst. Joe. Do you ever check your email?
Heya!
I…ahem…uh…well, see I installed Mozilla Thunderbird as my email client about a week ago and then promptly forgot my password to access my BellSouth mail. Lemme try and sort it out tonight and hopefully I’ll see what you sent.
D’oh!
I thought that I’d have a difficult time distinguishing these script ideas from actual shitty movies that get made in Hollywood. I didn’t, though. Most of those query letters are bad in new, odd ways–”I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to watch that” ways. “Jason in Space” or “The Pacifier” are at least bad in forms that have been profitable in the past.